Alan Bush

The catch is that I have to use a USB adaptor as large as the others if I want to actually access anything on the micro SD card.

AeroPress wins every time on taste, value and utility; Keurig wins on convenience.

Parent appreciation breakfast from my son’s daycare. 420 calories of preservative-laden “danish,” oj and an apple with a bruise covering half of it.

So the only nutritious element of the breakfast is inedible. Moral of the story: if you give me diabetes, I’ll be forced to choose between paying for my insulin and daycare fees.

I thought you could only put an Obama bumper sticker on a Prius.

• Me: Do you do offer notary public services?
• Her: Yes. As long as it's not a legally binding document.
• Me: So, no...

Let’s start this post out with a given: Time Warner Cable is horrible. They have a really, really limited software interface for their digital cable boxes. I’m not sure if they have updated their UI since the 90s. Every other cable/satellite provider I’ve ever used has a feature set that completely outstrips TWC. 

At the same time, services like Netflix and Hulu Plus have made it possible for my family to consume our entertainment by streaming from the internet. Paying TWC for both internet and a crappy cable experience seemed a bit dumb, so my wife and I “cut the cable.” We’re super happy with that decision; maybe I’ll post more on that later.

Part of the process of “cutting the cable” involves returning all of TWC’s equipment back to them, so that they can push it on other, unsuspecting fools. I knew I needed to return the equipment, but not where I needed to return it. I’m a web savvy guy, so I searched their website, and found nothing remotely helpful. Here’s the results for the query “equipment return location.” Nothing useful there. 

Next up, let’s try the live chat. My question was simple, especially for someone who works there, and, in theory, has access to these mythical equipment return locations.

So, I was wrong about one thing: El Paso is actually 8 hours away, not 6. How does that happen? Does TWC not have a tool for their reps (or better yet, me) to use to input one zip code, and find the nearest equipment drop-off center? Or are the reps just dumb? Here’s a map, to show just how far off they were.

Absolutely ridiculous. The chat rep eventually gave me a location that was actually only 2 miles away. Great, right? well, not so much… That location doesn’t take back equipment. They were nice enough to point me in the right direction. 

I finally got everything returned, we’re now completely cable free. It turns out that the entire reason I couldn’t find a “return” location is that TWC is so insecure that they don’t want to list anything on their website that might even acknowledge the fact that someone might cease to be a TWC customer. So don’t do that. People have to stop using services all of the time. Sometimes even for reasons other than the service being crappy and nearly unusable. 

This latest jerk only had 30 minutes to prove he was a jerk. He won. The dumb thing is that there were three or four open spots closer to the apartment he was delivering to.

Everything is bigger in Texas

The Chupacabra strikes again. Obviously this is the work of a mythical goat-vampire pooping in the wild, and not some neighbor too lazy to walk thirty feet to the doggy waste station.

Residents of Alamo Ranch Apartments Building 16, please be on the lookout for a Chupacabra. I have not seen the beast itself, but I have, on several occasions, been forced to step over animal droppings at the bottom of the steps to our fair building. Living in such close proximity to the dog waste disposal station - 10 yards away - I can draw only two possible explanations as to why I would find animal droppings at the bottom of the steps to our fair building:

1. One or more of my neighbors is a jerkface that is too lazy to bag and transport his or her animal’s droppings ten yards to the waste station; or
2. There is a Chupacabra in the area, defecating wherever he pleases.

Since none of my neighbors are jerkfaces, the only logical explanation is that we have a wild Chupacabra running around the apartment complex.

So, please, residents of Alamo Ranch Apartments Building 16, be careful when you take your dog out at night. If the Chupacabra doesn’t get you, you might accidentally step in his droppings.

I was in my first improv show in waaaaaaaaay too long. This time as an audience participant. Hopefully as an improvisor soon.

Clicked on a link to “see a map of our location,” and this is what they gave me. Thanks. I figured, despite your mailing address, that you were located in Asia Minor. Very Helpful.

My son, at his first baseball game. He was more interested in the mascot than the game. To the mascot’s credit, I’m fairly sure he was a Big League mascot on rehab assignment in the minors. Dude had some moves.

Copyright violation? What copyright violation?

A few months ago, I wrote about the craptacularness of my Droid.

Since then, I’ve been doing some research, and I keep coming back to the idea that it is the Facebook app causing my Droid to suck. I tried a lot of different ideas to fix the problem. I did a few system resets, and after one of them, I decided not to update the Facebook app.

Bingo! That was it. Somewhere between the version of the Facebook app that comes with my Droid - and that I cannot delete without rooting - and the current version, it became a huge, steaming pile of Droid-ruining crap. By not updating, I was able to use my phone again. It’s amazing.

So, Facebook, fix your app. Verizon, don’t bundle your phone with crappy, non-removable apps.

So hot today, even the lizards are basking in the shade.

I’m sorry, sir, but you and your Compaq will need to wait outside.

The Shia LaBeouf Law: If you enjoyed a toy, television show or a movie toward the end of the 20th century, a horrible movie version will be made in the 21st Century, and Shia LaBeouf will be required to appear in it.

You don’t believe me? Check out this list:

• Dumb And Dumber
• Charlie’s Angels
• I, Robot
• Transformers
• Indiana Jones
• Wall Street
• Soul Man (rumored)

Crazy, huh?

That’s a long list for a kid that’s only been making movies for the last dozen years. I don’t know what kind of a pact Mr. LeBouf’s agent(s) made with the Devil, but this has to stop.

Hey Netflix and USPS- this is how I got my movie. If it doesn’t play, let’s not blame me.

Perhaps you should consider changing your headline. It creates a bit of confusion.